Good In Diapers

Chapter 1

Michael Flatley turned his car into his driveway, narrowly missing scraping the undertray of his car on the curb. Michael was not having a great afternoon. His mind was consumed with concerns over his keeping his job. And if he were to lose his job, he didn’t have much to turn to. The job market in television production is tight, especially when one is limited to the type of show one can do, or will not do. For example, Michael was not a producer who could handle talk shows. He described them as having no life; no real appeal to the outside world.

Now, reality television on the other hand was a different story. There was something very attractive about a television show based on competition between parties. But Michael was cautious there, too. He did not like the type of show where fighting between the parties was to become an inevitable part of the popularity of the show. It was tricky to find the right blend of television audience appeal and contestants coexisting peaceably with other.

That was where his problem lay at the current time. Was he to abandon his ethics for the guarantee of a future? Where was his income to come from if he didn’t?

He shut his car door and walked three steps towards his front door before realising that he had not locked the car. With the increase in cars in the neighbourhood being stolen and car break-ins on the rise, he did not need to make the criminals’ jobs any easier, particularly if his income status was to be uncertain. He locked his car and then turned, only hoping that there weren’t any more problems lying in wait beyond his front door.

Michael was greeted rather uncharacteristically at his front door by his wife, who hugged him and invited him to come in to the supper she had just completed making.

“That smells absolutely wonderful, dear”, said Michael, giving her a peck on the cheek, not quite sure how to tell her that they might have to cut down on the gourmet-type meals soon due to a lack of cash.

At the supper table, the two sat opposite each other, staring periodically into each other’s eyes. Michael was starting to feel a little uncomfortable, but he didn’t want to break the silence, because the only thing he could think of to talk about was their impending financial situation. When Hazel didn’t say anything either, the only thing Michael could do to relieve the tension welling inside of him was to stand up. He moved over to the sink, took a glass from the washed dishes tray and proceeded to the fridge where he poured himself some cold water.

He sidled back to the table. “Where’s Kevin?”

“Oh, yes. Sorry. I forgot to mention that he is over at Nathan’s house for supper. He and Nathan had a homework project they had to work on this afternoon and Fiona invited him to stay for supper, bless her heart.”

After an awkward supper, Michael and Hazel went to sit down in front of the television, where Hazel picked up her crossword puzzle. “What’s a five letter word for stand up straight?”

Michael did not regularly do crossword puzzles, but was still both willing and able to contribute where he could. “Erect?”

“Yes, thank you, dear. And that fits in with four across.”

But Michael wasn’t listening anymore. His mind was racing with possibilities. He had just watched an advert on television for a new brand of diapers. He reached over to the table and grabbed at a pencil and paper. He started scribbling down a bunch of ideas.

One hour and a half later he looked over to his wife’s chair to find her asleep. Don’t worry, he told himself. Tomorrow’s another day; a day alive with possibilities. And if everything went according to plan, he wouldn’t even have to tell Hazel about his concerns, because at that very moment, he didn’t really have any concerns. He was sure that the idea he had come up with would be a winner, both for his future and for the television channel.

Chapter 2

A rejuvenated Michael walked into the production offices the following day, immediately drawing looks from his co-workers and turning heads. What on earth could he be so upbeat about, given the impending retrenchments that the department would have to suffer if everything went according to the way the television ratings currently indicated?

His colleagues watched him as he positively poured himself a cup of coffee at the coffee machine and then moved over to his desk. He opened his briefcase and pulled out the notes he had scribbled the previous evening. His colleagues observed him for a couple of minutes before one of the most senior of them moved over to his desk. “Hmm, Michael? What’s going on? You haven’t said a word since you came in. What’s more, we’re facing unemployment here, but you’re still very upbeat. What is up with you?”

Michael stood up very abruptly and assertively walked over to the white board and picked up the Koki pen. “Ladies. Gentlemen,” he started, allowing enough time for suspense to build. “I think we have a winner.” He stood looking around at blank faces, waiting for some sort of response. When he didn’t get any he started pacing slowly across the floor from one side of the room to the other, an act which he hoped would serve to peak curiosity, but when he heard shuffles and sensed a little bit of irritation, he cut to the chase. “I’m sorry, gentlemen. I’m just so excited about this new idea that I wanted to, well, try and let it hit you like it hit me – as a brainwave. A stroke of genius television. An unexplored adventure in straight down-to-earth reality programming, if you will.” He paused once more. “Friends, colleagues, countrymen.” He moved over to his briefcase and took out the pieces of paper he had scribbled his ideas on the previous night, tapping the sides of them on the desk to make sure they were perfectly aligned, as if he were holding a priceless commodity.

“What is the one thing in life that everyone is drawn to? That everyone has a soft spot for? The one thing that can do anything and it will be considered interesting and even cute? The one thing that has its own unique development and so will keep viewers tuned in week after week after month after year?” Michael paused once more. He still faced a sea of faces, but these faces now exhibited at least some interest. They were most definitely not the same dull faces he had greeted when he walked into the office. These faces showed anticipation as they waited for the answer.

“Babies. They are the one untapped market in reality television. And how much closer to reality TV could you want to be? Here we have individuals who react to stimuli as each stimulus shapes its world, reacting according to its own personality. And though it may be seen as exploitation but certain uptight members of the public who don’t, or can’t, appreciate reality shows, there is so much that can be done with a field such as this one. Are we to run it as a talk show or a competition show? If it were a competition, what would the aim be? Ladies. Gentlemen. Please put your minds together and let us brainstorm what will become this production studio’s biggest contribution to television. Oh yes, and our saving grace.”

Two hours later, the proposed pre-production was completed and put up everywhere possible in the room until there was no space to even think. The walls were covered with sheets consisting of diagrams and ideas. From baby toys to baby names. From baby games to baby food. Every possible area of a baby’s life had been considered. The question was essentially to consider how the show would be run, and whether or not the parents of these babies would allow their children to be exposed to the unnatural environment of television, a childhood filled with cameras. But Michael saw it slightly differently. “Colleagues. This is a chance that comes around only once,” he paused after putting emphasis on the word once, “in a TV channel’s existence. We have to now consider how it would be best run as a reality show. May I have your contributions and ideas on my desk by tomorrow morning, please? Take note, gentlemen. This is going to save us from joining the unemployment line. Are there any questions?”

No hands went up, so Michael concluded that all was fine and they would be able to start a new concept in reality television really soon.

# Chapter 3

Ideas bounced, it seemed, off the walls.

One suggestion was that the show would be a talk show, during which various aspects of a baby’s life would be discussed, but this was dismissed because of a concern that it would only appeal to mothers, and even then, only mothers of babies. No. A much broader audience was needed if this programme was to become an immediate success. And immediate success was necessary. There were only so many jobs for street cleaners and the like.

Another suggestion was a variety-type game show, in which parents could be tested about how much they knew about babies. In that way, the show would serve as an educational tool as well. There was an interesting adaptation of this option that was suggested. This was one in which the babies themselves were just filmed and observed, as it were, through a camera lens. This would be interesting and at some times even comical. Good family viewing, it was described as.

But then came the winner. An actuality, variety and game show all in one. That’s fun for everybody and entertaining. And the name that was suggested: Good In Diapers.

“Gents,” began Cyril. “Diapers are the one thing that every baby in the world, we hope, has in common. Babies spend almost twenty-four hours a day in them for about two and a half to three years. That’s just about one twenty-eighth of a person’s life, given an average life-span.”

The rest of the employees straightened up. Where was Cyril going with this? Cyril continued.

“Diapers are the one thing about babies that everyone has come to expect, respect and appreciate. So my question to you is: why shouldn’t this form the basis of the show? It doesn’t matter whether this is done as a talk show or whatever, but instead the content. However, that said, I do have an idea where to go with this programming.” Cyril paused for effect. A couple of people shuffled in their seats and the room fell, once again, silent.

“This should be run as both an actuality and a game show. This would be reality TV at its best. Well, suited to this kind of market, anyway. What do you think?”

There was a silence while the idea sunk in, and then one after the other the people in the room started to clap, until there was a steady flow of clapping hands. Cyril didn’t know what to say, or do with himself.

Michael stood up when Cyril had sat down and the applause had died. “This is brilliant, Cyril. This might be just what we need. Good In Diapers, you say? And the show would be run, if I understand what you’re saying, like a competition. Babies against babies – best look wins, or better still, goes through to the next week as reigning champion? This is brilliant, Cyril! Okay, colleagues. Let’s start planning for the debut of Good In Diapers. Stephen, you’re in charge of advertising and promotion. Get Marilyn to help you with the designs and storyboards. Ian, you book us a film crew and organise their accommodations. Cyril, you’ve done well. You can have the rest of the day off, but as from tomorrow, I want you to help me oversee this whole project. That is to say, production.” Michael walked over to Cyril and gave him a pat on the back. “The rest of you, come with me.”

No sooner had Michael assigned their tasks than Stephen was on the telephones, trying to organise advertising for a contestant search. He contacted national newspapers like The Daily Buzz, which was a huge publication with readers from all over America in all of 51 states. The advertising costs were, understandably, high, but for the kind of exposure they were looking for, cost was only curtailed by budget, and that was to be Cyril and Michael’s job. Besides, the key here was to get them the figures and let them decide what was best. Stephen also phoned local weekly publications and got their rates, which were, understandably, a lot cheaper.

Now that he had a bunch of figures, all he had to do was phone Michael and get clearance in terms of budget.

“Nice work, Stephen,” said the voice over the phone. “I appreciate your consideration of the figures, and I think it will be best if we put an advert for contestants in every single weekly periodical. They do get delivered free to each house, so we don’t have to worry about missing out on beautiful babies. Our only concern is that the public will take to it, and I think that, as the show hopefully gains popularity, contestants will pick themselves… How much do you say it will cost in total?… It is a gamble, but I think it is one well worth taking. You have clearance. Just get the ads in for the publications’ next release dates, oh, and Stephen. Nice work.”

Chapter 4

Michael Flatley perused the local paper on Friday, stopping on page four to marvel at the advertisement that should, by the end of the day, be circulating around everybody’s living room.

The ad consisted of a full A4 size page, with striking colours and pictures of two smiling babies in diapers and a film camera. At the top of the page were the words: “Good In Diapers”, in a striking yellow against a dark blue background. Underneath that, in normal size white, were the words: “Babies needed for variety games show. Please phone 555-8790 for enquiries.”

“Stephen! This is brilliant!” Michael said, as the telephones started ringing.

They didn’t stop either. By the end of the afternoon, Elizabeth, Loretta and Pamela had fielded over four hundred calls requesting information on how to get involved.

Pam was going crazy. “If I ever,” she stressed the ever, “say ‘no, your child will not be in any danger’ again, I will scream.” Pamela reached for her handbag as she stood up and got ready to leave. Her telephone rang, provoking a threatening ‘I will kill you if you say anything wrong when I pick up this phone’ look. Elizabeth jumped to her rescue. “You go home. I’ll take care of this one.”.

“All Cast Productions. Good afternoon… Yes, Ma’am. Any babies, boy or girl, thin or fat, all shapes and sizes… Right, Ma’am. Allow me to take your telephone number and someone will get back to you about when to be at the studio and what your baby will be doing, etceteras… Yes, Ma’am. Can you repeat that number please… Thank you. I have it . Someone will be in touch with you.”

The telephone rang again. “All Cast Productions. Good day, Sir… No, your child will be 100 percent safe… Sir, we haven’t decided that yet. We’ll have to see how the pilot episode goes, but at the moment it looks like possibly a live reality-variety-competition show. Yes, Sir. Thank you for your interest. We’ll see you and your baby at the studio tomorrow. Do you need directions? Very good, Sir. Good bye.”

Chapter 5

Michael had no choice at such short notice but to host the pilot episode himself, a feat he was terribly self-conscious of doing as it was normally his job to be at the front-line, giving orders and stuff like that. He was not accustomed to being in the limelight and being bossed around by directors and cameramen. However, he realised that he had given Cyril the honour of producing, so that was one thing he would have to get used to. He was extremely glad about one thing, though. Ian had done his job to perfection, given the short amount of time available to him.

The camera crew and lighting technicians were top-notch, and as the interim music for the show began and the lights intensified, Michael knew that there was no turning back. This was the only episode of “Good In Diapers” that was not going to be shown live-as-it-happened.

Mrs Walter’s baby girl Chloe was the first baby shown. Chloe was just left in the middle of a maze of stimuli ranging from toys to pillows. As she crawled around, the lighting in the studio changed from yellow to red and then went off totally, leaving Chloe crying. The producers took that opportunity to put Mr Tramm's baby, Gareth into the playpen. Then the lights were put back on and the two babies left to see what they would do. This was essentially similar to a psychology experiment, but things would heat up in the first real episode.

“Cut!” cried Cyril after the filming. “Now I am going to say something in front of the cameras.” He moved into position. “Right. Film in three, two, one… Ladies and gentlemen. We need your co-operation for this game show to work. It will be the utmost fun, with prizes and fame to be gained for you and your baby. We need your babies. Please register now at the following telephone number appearing on your screen now.”

Michael Flatley was amazed. “Now all we have to do is wait and see if it takes. Filming for the next episode will commence at 9 in the morning this Saturday. Cyril, can I speak to you, please?”

Cyril sidled over.

“Cyril, I need to know now what ideas you have for the show, so that we can prepare props and the like.”

“Well, Michael. I was thinking of a ‘brains and brawn’ type game show. There could be different categories, such as clever baby, most beautiful baby (that would obviously be based on looks and could well be termed the baby that looks good in diapers). See where I am going with this? We could also have a round of know your baby, where the parents predict what the baby will do. All rounds count for points with five babies per show. The winning baby goes through to a final.”

“I like it a lot, Cyril. Of course, we’ll have to hope that the idea takes off. And not only that – we must go for maximum advertising revenue. Thank you for your work. Can you work with Marilyn and come up with a show structure. I’m really excited about this. Live reality TV. This is going to be better than any other reality show on HTV.”

Saturday came and the first five contestants had been chosen. The broadcast was going out live on HTV, replacing infomercials. The five contestants and their parents were waiting in the green room for the show to begin.

Hazel McKenzie was one year and two months old with brown eyes and strawberry-blonde hair. She was accompanied by her mom.

Jeffrey Werner was also one year and two months old and had blue eyes and brown hair. He was waiting with his dad in the green room.

Oliver Jonson was crying his eyes out in his strange surroundings and his mom rocked him and sand a lullaby, trying to get him to calm down. Oliver was nine months old.

Sipho Katge was a black baby with dark brown eyes, but he, too, was asleep. His dad didn’t have much trouble with him. Sipho was a year and a half old.

Avril Katz was the last contestant for the first show. She was just under two years old and had blonde curly hair and brown eyes. Anyone who looked at her would get a first impression that she would do well in the ‘beauty contest’.

Chapter 6

“Michael!” screamed Hazel from the other side of the kitchen. “You have no time for me anymore. It’s all about this…” Hazel wrung her hands as she searched for the correct word. “This… this TV show for you!”

“Listen, Hazel. It’s either this or nothing. Do you have any idea how close I was to being out of a job? And then what would we have done about an income? Two children to feed?” Michael was still controlling his tone.

“That’s right!” shouted Hazel as she took up the different angle presented to her. “The children! You don’t have any time for them either!”

Michael turned tail and walked out of the room. Hazel stormed after him.

Timothy dodged for cover behind the wall at the top of the stairs. He couldn’t afford to be found listening, but he didn’t know what his parents expected. Even the neighbours next door were listening. His sister caught him as he slunk back. Diana held Timothy close to her in the shadows as she whispered in his ear, “It’s all right.”

Timothy was twelve years old and in grade seven. A sensitive boy, it upset him every time his parents fought about anything. He had just learned to hide it well. He managed to hide it in hugging his teddy bear and drawing little cartoons. His sister was fifteen. She too, was not happy that her parents fought, but she was a little older, so she managed to disguise it behind making plans to go out and see friends, especially over weekends. A grade ten student, Diana was very concerned about what her little brother was exposed to at home. It had even taken away from her time to baby-sit. But what could she do? She was totally committed to her little brother and she loved him far more than the money she would earn for baby-sitting.

It was then that Timothy came up with an idea. He turned to his sister. “Diana, can I speak to you in your room? I have an idea.”

Diana looked at her brother quizzically, as if to say ‘I’ll listen as long as it’s got nothing to do with running away.’ She had to get a word in first.

“You do know that running away will only add to the problem?”

Timothy looked bewildered. “Who said anything about running away? Come. I have a great idea.”

Timothy turned towards his sister’s bedroom door. Diana could only follow, as she strained to get a final glimpse of what her parents were saying.

Diana shut her bedroom door and motioned for Timothy to sit on the bed. “All right, Timmy. What is it?”

It interested Diana that sometimes she seemed to care about her brother more than her parents cared about their own son.

“I was wondering about going on the show,” Timothy said distantly.

Diana swung around. “What? How do you intend doing that?”

“With your help.”

“Well, how could I possibly help you with that? Timmy, I’ve seen that look before; and I don’t like it.”

“Don’t worry, sis. Listen up. We want our dad to have more time for us, right?”

His sister nodded thoughtfully.

“But all he’s got time for is this TV show of his.”

Diana again nodded.

“So if we go on the show we’ll get to see him, right?”

Diana thought she knew what her brother was hinting at. “Do you mean as part of a studio audience or something?”

“No. I mean as contestants.”

“What, Timmy? Are you out of your mind? We’re not babies.”

Timothy stood up. “Can I show you something on your computer, Diana?”

Chapter 7

Family tensions increased over the next few weeks, even though Michael found someone more suitable to host the show. If it wasn’t one thing it was another, and Michael started to feel as if he was being blamed for everything this side of global warming.

The new show host had been found in a talent search conducted by a recruiting company. Wilma Robertson had won the right to host the show, but Michael was still heavily involved on the production side with Cyril.

“Look, honey,” Michael said, pausing both to let it sink in that he had called his wife ‘honey’ for the first time in such a long time and for effect. “It’s almost as if nothing I can do is good enough. I am trying, all right. I can only fix one thing at a time.”

Timothy had had about enough of this. “I’m going to go on next week’s show,” he announced to his sister. “Can you phone this Cyril guy and sort it out for me, or must I do it?”

Diana was slightly taken aback that her twelve year old brother was suggesting appearing live on TV for the whole nation to see wearing nothing but a diaper. But still, she knew that adamant look and knew it wasn’t worth fighting. “I’ll make the call for you. The number will be downstairs. I’ll get it.”

She returned with the cellular phone number and dialled it. “Hello, is this Cyril, the producer of Good In Diapers?” she asked, disguising her voice slightly so as not to give away that it was her. Cyril knew Diana’s voice.

“I would like to enter my baby on next week’s show.”

Diana listened to the voice coming through the receiver, whilst Timothy looked excitedly at his sister.

“We can’t accept anymore entries for the next filming as we are full. However, if you’re happy to wait till next week, we’ll be more than happy to have you. It’ll be the last filing before the second semi-finalist is picked, so your entrant might just be in time.”

Diana thanked Cyril and hung up. “Two shows time,” she said, looking at her very excited brother.

“Good! Nice work! Thank you!” Timothy beamed as he hugged his sister unlike she had ever been hugged before. Then he let her go suddenly, realising what he was doing. “Sorry,” he said dismissively.

Then he got serious. “I want to be a real baby. We’ve got to get a whole lot of other stuff. Pacifiers. Pram. All that sort of stuff. And, what’s that thing that makes me need to go to the toilet?”

“Laxatives? Suppositories? ” asked Diana.

“Yes! Both of those! I want to win this thing and in order to do that, I’ve got to be the babiest big baby ever. Will you help me?”

“Money could be a problem,” said Diana thoughtfully, provoking a stern, hard, don’t-even-think-I’m-going-to-let anything-stand-in-my-way look from Timothy.

Chapter 8

The Saturday morning of the live filming came. Timothy was understandably very excited and woke his sister up super-early. “Come, Diana. Dress me. I want to look my baby best.”

The first thing that Diana had done was to give her brother a mild laxative the previous evening just before he went to bed. The first thing that had to be done on the Saturday morning was for her to put the suppository pill up his bum. “This may feel a little uncomfortable,” she warned, but Timothy was so thrilled and taken with the idea of being a baby live on TV that he didn’t say anything.

Then he sat in the pram and let his sister take a couple of pictures of him. He stood up and posed for another couple of pictures. Then their biggest nightmare happened. Their mom called from the bottom of the stairs. “Diana! Timothy! Can you come down here a moment? I’d like to talk to you.”

Time froze for Timothy, but Diana was alert. “I’ll go down. I’ll just tell her you’re on the toilet, which won’t be too much from the truth.”

Diana went downstairs. Fortunately, all her mom wanted to tell her was that she was going out for a while but would be back in time for the TV programme at 9 o’clock.

Diana had to say something. “Yea. Timmy and I are going out and won’t be able to watch the show with you this morning.”

Hazel looked a little disappointed, but didn’t say anything. Then she left.

Diana rushed up the stairs to Timothy. “That was close. Come on. We have to get ready to go. We have to be there about a half hour before the show starts.”

Chapter 9

“Good morning, South Africa! It’s a Saturday morning. Nine o’clock. And that only means one thing. It is time for the hippest and most happening game show on South African television, where babies become big celebrities instantly. I remind you that this is the last show before our second semi-finalist is picked. That’s right, South Africa! We are already eleven shows in to this new concept in reality TV! Next week, the five winners from the last five weeks will compete against each other to decide who will be our next semi-finalist will be. Let’s meet the contestants.”

Wilma went through the first four contestants like clock-work, but paused as she looked at her cue-sheet before introducing the fifth contestant. She looked at Cyril, who indicated that she should go ahead and read what was written down. Wilma was sure it was an error, but she couldn’t pause too long. After all, this was live television, and had to look genuine and uninterrupted. “And our fifth baby contestant today is twelve year old Timmy Flatley. Tim is wearing an extra large Baby Dream diaper. Tim will be accompanied by his sister Diane.”

At that, Diana walked out on to the stage pushing a pram that contained a very babyish-looking Timothy.

In the production box, Michael almost fainted. What the hell was his twelve-year-old son doing in a diaper? And with a pacifier in his mouth? Michael stood up and started throwing his arms in all different directions, to which Cyril indicated that should just sit down. “But, but, that’s my son. He’s not a baby.”

Cyril dismissed it. “You know the show rules. Babies of all shapes and sizes. Let’s just see what happens.”

“The first category,” continued Wilma, “as you well know by now, involves both a creativity and interaction score. The babies will be put into this playpen together and will be judged on how they interact with both their surroundings and each other.”

After the first round, the scores were already looking interesting. Fred DuLat had been given 6 points. Joanne Ramsbottom had 5 points. Gregory Smalls had 4 points. Catherine Hammond had 7 points and Timothy Flatley had been given just 3 points “We wonder if maybe little Timmy has lost what it takes to be a baby, but we will have to see,” commented Wilma.

The second category was, of course, the baby race, and it was at this that Timothy was determined not to falter. All the babies’ moms, dads and in the case of Timothy, sister, stood at the other side of the stage. It was at this point that everyone else realised what a disadvantage they were at, as the gun went off and the babies started to make their ways to their waiting family members.

Timothy covered the distance in about two seconds, running into his sister’s waiting arms, while all the other babies looked a little disoriented in getting to the finish line. Gregory ended up second with Joanne ending third. Catherine came fourth and Fred finished last.

Wilma’s commentary continued. “A look at the points shows that Timothy has leaped up with that win to 13 points. Gregory gets eight points for finishing second and is now on twelve points. Joanne gets six points for finishing third and is on eleven points. My gosh! This is a close one this week. Catherine was leading at the end of the last round with seven points and another four puts her in tied third place on eleven points. And finally, Fred Dulat, who started with an impressive 6 points, is now only on 8. My word, how fortunes can change on this program. We’ll be back after the advertisement break.”

During the advertisement break, nature worked for Timmy and “Good In Diapers” was about to have their first live dirty diaper. How would that affect the points? That was yet to be found out. In fact, when the show came back live, Wilma announced: “Now during that advertisement break, this happened.” TV screens across the country showed twelve year old Timothy Flatley filling the rear of his diaper! And then he just stood there, as another camera picked up the expression on his face, which was something between yes-I-did-it and well-now-what?-I-need-to be-changed-but-I-am-on-live-TV-it’ll-have-to-wait.

“Now it is time for the beauty pageant, in which judges only look at how good the babies on the show look in their diapers and baby attire. Let me introduce you to the judges. Mildred will judge Gregory. Meredith will judge Joanne. Natalie will judge Fred. Megan will judge Catherine and Emily will judge Timmy. Now let me remind you of the diapers represented here today. Fred Dulat and Catherine Hammond are both wearing Huggies. Gregory Smalls and Joanne Ramsbottom are both looking good in Pampers today. And, as mentioned earlier, Timothy is in Baby Dream diapers. Judges, on my mark, log in your scores now please.”

“We remind you of the scoring. The highest score will achieve the baby ten points. The second highest will get eight points, and so on down to the fifth placed baby getting two points. Judges, please key in your scores now.”

Points were in and they showed Catherine getting top marks. However, with Timothy getting second place, all was not lost. Joanne came third. Fred came fourth and Gregory came last.

The revision of the total scores now showed Timothy and Catherine tied on 21 points, Joanne on 17 points, and Gregory coming fourth with 14 points and Fred in last with 13 points. But viewers, this is where you come in. Twenty votes only, so get dialling the number at the bottom of your screen now. Which baby gets your vote? Results, and our next semi-finalist, up after the ad break.”

In Micael’s Flatley’s living room, Hazel couldn’t believe what she was seeing. She had mixed feelings about it as well. Why hadn’t Diana at least told her where the two of them were going? How would the neighbours react and possibly look down on them for having a twelve year old on a baby game show? And not only that, but near enough standing in line to win!?

She didn’t phone in to vote, because of her mixed feelings. What chance was there of being one of the first twenty votes through anyway? The show’s music, now a fixed feature, started playing over the television.

“Results of your voting have been tallied. We remind you that in the result of a tie between say second and third, both will receive seven points – that’s the total points for the two places divided by two. Both receiving seven votes out of a possible twenty is, I don’t believe this, Timothy Flatley and Catherine Hammond. Receiving five of your votes – Fred Dulat. And getting one vote each – Joanne Ramsbottom and Gregory Smalls. This means that the final points tally shows: Timothy and Catherine, still tied, on 30 points. With ties for first and third in the last round, this means that second-placed Fred gets six points, taking him to 19. Joanne finishes the game on 18 points and Gregory with 15 points. South Africa, this means that we have a sudden death situation.”

Chapter 10

“Sudden death works like this. It’s again an interactive round, this time between the babies and their parent, or, in the case of Timothy, his sister. It’s a simple…” Wilma paused for effect.

“Diaper change. In this sudden death round, the babies will undergo a diaper change by their caregiver, whether they need it or not. The winner will be judged on the roles played by both parties. The categories will be co-operation on the part of the baby, which counts three, and participation, in which both will be judged together for a total of five points, with two points for the first one finished, giving the grand total of ten. The winner of this sudden death round will win today’s big prize and go through to the next semi-final. Now in this round, diapers are provided. They will be diaper-types unfamiliar to both contestants. Now, with Timothy wearing Baby Dreams and Catherine currently in Huggies, our judges have to pick a different type of diaper for the change. Will my assistant please bring the contestants their diapers?”

Paula Chinkle walked onto the stage and handed a Pampers extra-large to Diana and a Pampers size 4 to Catherine’s dad. She also provided them with baby wipes. Then, without saying a word further, she walked off the stage, although Diana was sure that she gave Timmy a wink.

Wilma continued. “Please put your babies in the desired position. And on my go…”

A whistle sounded, and Catherine’s dad started trying to make head or tail of the diaper. Meanwhile, Timmy flung his legs into the air so that his sister could take off his diaper. Diana had to be ready with baby wipes, because Catherine did not really need a change, while Timmy obviously did.

“It’s all right, Timmy. We’re going to win this.” Diana worked quickly without looking sideways at her competition. Catherine’s dad, on the other hand, couldn’t stop checking sideways, which resulted in him forgetting where he was in the diaper-change procedure.

Timmy smiled at his sister and closed his eyes. The cameras made a point of showing the contentment on his face. This is absolute Heaven, thought Timmy. Why would I ever want to be out of diapers again?

Diana and Timothy were finished thirty seconds ahead of Catherine and her dad, and had thus won. The points awarded were nine out of ten to Timmy and Diana, but only five out of ten to Catherine and her dad.

Wilma continued. “And that means that our overwhelming favourite baby for today and next semi-finalist is Timothy Flatley. And now for Timothy’s prize. Would Paula please bring the prize for first place out?

Paula again walked on to the stage, this time bearing a large hamper, consisting of two hundred Baby Dream diapers, pacifiers, baby toys, baby creams and blankets.

In the Flatley living-room, Timothy’s mom was feeling embarrassed and confused. Why on earth would her son do this kind of thing? Did he have no dignity? What about the teasing he would get at school? That would certainly not be suitable for a boy who had just been made a prefect.

She resolved that if her son wanted to be a baby, my gosh, was he going to be treated like a baby.

Chapter 11